In Defence of Cane; the Untold Story

Cane is probably the most unfortunate figure in the entirety of human history; he is remembered as a vengeful and lustful murderer. Found here is the long lost version of the events, hoping it does him right. After all, he is our second greatest grandfather.

The story has it that Cane and Abel were the sons of Adam and Eve the parents of all humanity. One day they had to offer sacrifices to god – certain versions of the story claim they offered it to Zeus, but there’s really no way to tell after all this time – Abel the shepherd offers a sheep to the almighty while his brother; farmer Cane offers him a grains and fruits from his fields. short story shorter, God likes the offerings of Abel while getting angry at Cane for his “pitiful” sacrifice, why an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient entity could be angry at a mere mortal is beyond me. By then, Cane thinks to himself “tough luck, I guess God likes burgers better.”

When they’re old enough to marry, it is decided that they marry their sisters. It is okay really, back then nobody has heard of incest, So Abel ends up marrying the hot sister and Cane thinks to himself “God might like him better, that’s fine, but there’s no way in Hell I’m marrying the fat chic.” Cane picks up a rock and smashes that smug’s head for stealing his girl. Can you blame him? I mean after a streak of bad luck you realize that praying isn’t cutting it for you and that you have to take matters into your own hands. Who are we to judge him for that?

Come to think of it, all later wars and man kill his brother man can be traced back to one single reason: trying to impress chics – trying to get some! That’s our Original Sin, LUST, which shouldn’t be called a sin at all; it’s more of a public service, to the species that is.


future post assignment: at the danger of being considered a misogynist, I will try to prove that the origin of major wars in human history is in fact related  to women.